Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Albert Haynesworth Doesn't Even LIKE Black Girls


Thanks for making my job THAT much easier...
In my life, as an assimilated negro, I have heard more than one joke regarding my affinity for women of the lighter hue. Since we’ve stopped getting lynched for it, the black man/white woman narrative has actually become quite comical and as such, I allow people to run with it. Realistically, however, I am nothing more than an equal opportunity lover who finds beauty in all shades of women. I’m like a by-product of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

But, what about those individuals that still give into color politics when they’re dating? As much as I shake my head at those who castigate my occasional dealings with white women, every so often I recognize that there are legitimately some black men that simply refuse to get down with the brown. For these men, their hatred for melanin runs so deep that they couldn’t even be charged with LOOKING at a black woman. That’s how much they don’t bangs with my Nubian goddesses.

And this brings us to Albert Haynesworth. Recently, the oft-troubled defensive tackle was charged with sexual abuse stemming from an incident that took place in a Washington, D.C. hotel. Apparently, Haynesworth fondled the breasts of the waitress serving his party, who just so happened to be black. Like most guilty athletes, he pleaded not guilty. His defense?

"I don’t even like black girls."

Yes, folks, you read that right. At the crux of Haynesworth’s legal defense is the undeniable fact that he doesn’t even like black girls.

When I first heard this story, I just knew it couldn’t be true. Not because I believe that Haynesworth turns on "Brown Skin Lady" every morning when he wakes up, but because (I thought that) he’s not that stupid. I’m really not sure why I erred on the side of Haynesworth's intelligence, but I did. That was my bad. Because Haynesworth did, in fact, make that EXACT comment--and stands behind it. Upon confirmation of this epic reality, my initial reaction was laughter. Any time asinine racial remarks are made in public, I can only laugh.

But after I got past the hilarity, I said to myself, "This might actually play in court."

I’m no lawyer, but I really feel like this has a chance.

The deadly combination of black male and professional athlete guarantees the existence of at least 20+ white women who can step in as character witnesses and testify to the disturbing extent to which Haynesworth exclusively loves the white jawns. But hey, this is just people talking…let’s concretize this case with some legitimate data.

Recently, Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa presented a controversial statistical study that concluded that black women simply aren’t that attractive. Do I agree? No. Could it play in a court of law? Why not? If I’m Haynesworth legal team, I drop the hammer on the whole court room with this study followed by a Chris Rock-esque “Black women be triiiiiiiiipin’!” routine. That should lock it up in Haynesworth favor.

What we should all learn from this situation is that everyone hates black women. You can fondle them in public, ridicule them under the guise of “science”, and its just business as usual. To my black queens: thanks for absorbing most of the hate that has historically been reserved for black men. Good looks.

[Insert Positive Black Women Lyrics Here]

…I don’t know any outside of "Brown Skin Lady"…sorry, guys!

2 comments:

  1. Hi Clemente, I don't think the "I don't even like black Women" defense will work. Abuse is not reserved for those you like. I also don't think everybody hates black Women. I think we have been so publicly humiliated for so long by own people that people think it's okay to bash us.

    Carolyn

    ReplyDelete
  2. Is anyone concerned about how little black girls are affected by the constant bashing by their own people?

    Carolyn

    ReplyDelete