Thursday, April 28, 2011

Sports That Black People Don’t Like (But I Love)


As the realization sank in that my beloved Penguins’ season had officially come to an end, I had another moment of clarity:

I was the only black person that cared.

Seriously. As I tweeted and updated my Facebook, not a single status from Jaquan DaRealestInDaRoom Dobson (The black version of John Doe) mentioned the amazing hockey games that took place last night. And then I realized that black people really just don’t like hockey. And again, this is simply a generalization, like saying that all Asians are good at math. They’re not. I cheated off the white kid next to me in Calculus.

But I digress.

Generalizations and/or stereotypes are often cultural norms that stretch across the majority of people in a given group. I’m sure that Mike Grier’s parents tolerate their son’s funny proclivity for the “white boy’s game.” But on the whole, people of a darker hue don’t really get down with skates.


This realization got me thinking about a few sports that I really enjoy that (most) black people are missing out on…

Hockey

As I’ve said, there wasn’t much tweeting from Black folks regarding playoff hockey. I’m not exactly sure why black people don’t like hockey. It could be because it’s cold orrrrrrrr it could be like many things not fully embraced by the everyday black person a matter of access. Do you know how much it costs to play hockey? Factoring in attire, pads, skates, sticks, rink time and any other miscellaneous incidentals, you sort of need to be in that “Republican, by default” tax class to afford to play. Unless, of course, you parlay your crafty street hockey skills into a full scholarship at the prestigious Eden Hall.

Lacrosse

One of my biggest regrets from my prep school days is not playing lacrosse. Per usual, this is a game stolen from the very tan Native American folks and reapparopriated by the evil white man. Had I not made that 45 minute trip out to the suburbs for school, I would have never been introduced to one of THE most exciting sports imaginable. It allowed me to give into my natural negroid instinct to run around, but also required the finesse of stick handling (I’m too progressive to call “no homo.”). But don’t think for a second that we haven’t Tiger Woods’d this game either. Shouts to the G.O.A.T. athlete Jim Brown.


Soccer

Now this one always gets debate. “Brown people across the WORLD love soccer.” Nah homie. They like FOOTBALL. Don’t get it twisted, folks. Soccer is a global powerhouse, uniting black, white and everything in-between. But do you know how you really know black people have embraced something deemed “white?” It’s not when 2nd generation, culturally diverse, albeit Americanized Achubu likes the game, it’s when my dude from the block Jaquan embraces the game. While I’ve seen soccer embraced by blacks in America, this is often restricted to those of a non-American black background. And this, I believe, makes a difference. Until I see little black kids playing soccer in Timbs, beaters and fitteds--the way basketball is played in my neck of the woods--I’m still keeping it in the “Things White People Do” category.

Golf

Yeah…I know…Tiger Woods. Listen, it is one thing to WATCH Tiger and root for HIM and it’s another to be a fan of golf itself. And as an avid golfer, trust me, there aren’t many of us out there. There’s a reason that every time I go out on the course someone yells out “TIGER WOODS!”

1. Because all white people, minus Fuqua, think all black people look alike.

2. I look like Tiger Woods.

It’s probably for the better though. If more black people started golfing, we would probably put rims on the carts and shoot music videos on the green because, you know, that’s what black people do apparently.

Heaven forbid they give us an airline.

Baseball

Black people really aren’t THAT interested in baseball. And I don’t know why exactly. My teams always consisted of myself and maybe one other black kid to round out our very, very white squad. I actually think that the only all-black baseball team NOT in the Negro League was coached by Keanu Reeves. Even the “black” looking players in the MLB are usually dark-skinned Dominicans. That’s why I always appreciate seeing super black, dreads down to the socks, Florida-born Andrew McCutchen running out onto the field. Because that guy is BLACK….like cocoa butter and First Sunday black.

But again these things are generalizations. Outside of baseball, I actually enjoy these sports much more than Fuqua. He's too busy watching those big black kids play basketball while I enjoy the black upward mobility of country clubs and white women.

4 comments:

  1. I know i'm late, but this article is fucking stupid, and you should remove soccer from this list. Just because your dumbass "Homie" jaquan doesn't play doesn't mean all of the blacks in Africa, Brazil, Europe and in all corners of the world don't.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Yet another article and website, showing that blacks are again the most racist group in America.

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