Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Carl Everett Goes to Jail


Busted
Something tells me that if former journeyman outfielder and DH Carl Everett ever met Luke Scott, a beautiful friendship would soon blossom. They just share so many interests--think about it. Both men have staunch right-wing political views. Both show an interest in conspiracy theories. Both are deeply religious. And, apparently, both men are gun nuts.*

While Luke Scott uses his guns for such unobjectionable things as killing animals, target practice, and "protection for when the government comes to get me," though, Carl Everett points his at his wife's head. Via Yahoo.com
LUTZ, Fla. (AP)—Former Major League outfielder Carl Everett was in a Tampa jail Tuesday on a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after putting a handgun to his wife’s head, according to police records.

Everett, 39, was arrested Monday night at his home in the Tampa suburb of Lutz. He was also charged with tampering with a witness and was being held in the Hillsborough County Jail.
Now, if Carl Everett held a gun to his wife's head, she CLEARLY had it coming. But as of now, all we can do is speculate about what she did to set him off. I have a few theories.

1. When planning a trip to New York, she expressed interest in visiting the American Museum of Natural History. Everett steadfastly denies that dinosaurs ever roamed the Earth:
"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve," Everett said last Friday, before the Red Sox lost two of three in Atlanta. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."
Noticing that Mrs. Everett seemed particularly keen on seeing the Hall of Saurischian Dinosaurs, Carl took exception. It is his belief that all of the "fossils" contained therein are in fact "made by man." As the argument grew increasingly heated, Mrs. Everett cited radiocarbon dating techniques which prove conclusively that dinosaurs did indeed live millions of years ago. Out-debated, Carl flew into a rage.

Not real
2. Mr. and Mrs. Everett were enjoying a romantic evening under the stars. While admiring the brightness of the moon, Mrs. Everett remarked off-hand: "Isn't it incredible to think that humans have actually walked on that?" Actually, for Carl it is not impressive at all, because it never happened:
He complemented his alarming rages against manager Jimy Williams by offending fellow teammates and sports writer Dan Shaughnessy with doubts about the existence of dinosaurs and the moon landing.
"Baby, that shit never happened," Carl replied. Mrs. Everett then rattled off a dozen reasons that moon landing conspiracy theories are implausible compared to the simplest explanation that the landing took place. On the car ride home from the park, Mrs. Everett remarked jokingly "How can you deny that the moon landings happened when you are constantly on another planet?" Furious, Carl drew his weapon.

3. Carl returned home from an all-day autograph signing appearance at a local mall to see his wife watching "RuPaul's Drag Race". Everett is, of course, a noted homophobe:
Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. ... I don't believe in gay marriages. I don't believe in being gay.
There was no argument. Everett pulled his gun on sheer impulse. The cruel irony here is that if Carl ends up doing prison time, he will be foreced to come to terms with homosexuality rather quickly.

The coming days promise to be suspenseful as we wait to see which of the above theories proves true.
_____

*Where the relationship could reach a sticking point is the first time Luke Scott calls Everett a "savage" and an "animal" and then attempts to pelt him with banana chips. After all, Everett had a history of accusing his many managers of racism over the years. It seems unlikely that he would stand for this kind of treatment from Scott.

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